Through my work at Adults by Insights, I often meet individuals who are highly capable and outwardly successful, yet privately feel anxious, exhausted, self-critical, and afraid of getting things wrong. Perfectionism is not always about fussiness, control, or simply having high standards. For some adults, perfectionistic patterns become a serious and exhausting safety strategy: a way of trying to avoid criticism, shame, rejection, uncertainty, disappointment, or the painful feeling of being “found out”.

This is what I think of as perfection as protection: the attempt to stay emotionally safe by getting things “just right”. It may show up as rewriting an email several times, worrying you have done something wrong after receiving a brief text message, preparing for criticism before feedback has even been given, or avoiding a task because doing it imperfectly feels too exposing.

This pattern can be especially relevant for neurodivergent adults, including those with ADHD and Autism. Adults with ADHD may have spent years being criticised for forgetfulness, lateness, inconsistency, emotional reactivity, or repeatedly being told they are “not reaching their potential”.

For some neurodivergent adults, achievement becomes another layer of masking or overcompensating: others see the impressive performance, but not the exhausting effort behind it.

A useful shift is to ask: “Could this striving for perfection be trying to protect me from something?”

Another useful question is: “Is this helping me grow, or helping me hide?”

At Adults by Insights, this is the kind of work we do with our clients: helping them understand the patterns behind their striving, so that effort and achievement can be guided by who they are, rather than by what they fear.

This article is informed by research into clinical perfectionism, burnout, masking, and rejection sensitivity.